What is THE S word, you ask? It’s a word that plagues every LDS member once they turn 16 years old. It’s a word that automatically categorizes a person before knowing any other facts about them. It’s a word that no one ever wants to be. Single.
Two weeks out of being broken up with who, I thought, was the love of my life, (and no, it wasn’t my ex-fiancé), I was trying to get a grip on the direction that my life was now headed. I felt lost and confused and stumped at the situation that I found myself in. So, I put on my big girl panties and decided to do something about it. I remembered the old adage that states, “When losing yourself in the service of others, you will find yourself”. Okay. Well, obviously I was “lost.” And as backwards as it seemed, I decided to lose even more in hopes of finding myself. It was 7:19a.m. on a Friday morning at the beginning of November. I stood in the laundry room at the Rexburg Temple (which I didn’t know was so massive!). This was my first day of being a volunteer in the temple, even though all my friends thought I was crazy for waking up 3 extra hours early once a week. This was my meager attempt at creating accountability to myself for serving others. A very nice, and I am sure, well-meaning, elderly temple worker walks into the laundry room. He announces his presences and proceeds to talk with every volunteer in the room personally. In the few short moments of watching him interact with individuals, I gained a lot of respect for him as he made each person comfortable. As I iron some clothing, minding my own business, this temple worker approached me. He asked me the usual questions like, what’s your name, where are you from, what are you doing here in Rexburg? As I answered that final question, I responded proudly, “I teach at BYU-Idaho. I just returned from graduate school in Ohio, where I finished my master’s degree.” Knowing that’s not a usual answer you hear every day from a 25-year-old, I was sure he was going to react like most people. I mean, most people are usually impressed with my credentials (and I’m not saying this to make me seem super great, just that it is fact). Most people usually respond with, “Oh wow! You don’t look old enough for a master’s degree!” or “You are so accomplished!”. But apparently he wasn’t like Most People. “Oh that’s just great!”, he said. “But I see that you’re not married,” referring to my ring-less finger. “You better start working on that!” … What. I crumbled on the inside. What was this man saying? Well, okay. I KNEW what he was saying… but why? Why was he reminding me to get married? Oh sir, thanks for reminding me. For exactly 3 minutes, I forgot that I am supposed to get married! Ha. Silly me… He was ruining everything. I came here to lose myself and my problems to find myself! But what he was doing, was the exact opposite! He was reminding me that I was single. That the man I thought I was going to marry had just dumped me. No. No. No. My eyes started to become blurred with tears; that familiar pain of heartbreak was coming to the surface again. I tried to hide my face by turning away and saying, “Thanks, I’m working on it.” Little did he know, that I had been working at getting married. That year alone, I had gotten engaged, then disengaged, had one short-lived summer romance, and then found the man of my dreams, or so I thought, who turned me down because he was looking for “someone who was meaner to him”. (My 25th year was one for the books. That’s a story for another day). But I. Was. Working. I worked hard at trying to get married. But that wasn’t the only important thing about me! Didn’t he hear that I was 25 with my master’s degree? Didn’t he hear that I was teaching at a university? Didn’t he see that I was a human being?? Okay, I am sometimes just a little dramatic, but whatever. I mean, I do have two degrees in Theatre, so it’s bound to happen. I guess he didn’t see anything like that. The rest of that day, that weekend, and most likely that month, I was bitter towards him for the way he viewed me. It bothered me that the only way he could quantify me was by dismissing all my accomplishments for one qualification. And a qualification that I had no control over. All I was to him was single. Single. In a 1989 broadcast President Hinckley said, “Somehow we have put a badge on a very important group in the Church. It reads ‘Singles.’ I wish we would not do that.” (See footnote 1) I echo what the prophet has said, and stand with him in declaring, “I WISH WE WOULDN’T DO IT EITHER!” (Just imagine my declaration as Elf in the middle of Griffols, singing loud for all to hear. Well, minus the green tights and hat). So here I lay, in the middle of my sister’s living room on an air mattress, on the first day of my summer break writing this narrative instead of singing it aloud for all to hear in a made-up toy store (Well, you could say this website is my toy store…). These thoughts have been accumulating over months of trial and error, learning and growing. My intent for this blog is not to be a bitter single 26-year-old woman complaining ambiguously on the internet, but my intent is a call to challenge the way that “Singles” in the LDS Church are perceived. I ultimately want to change the way we perceive quote/unquote singles. “You are individuals, men and women, sons and daughters of God, not a mass of ‘look-alikes’ or ‘do-alikes.’ Because you do not happen to be married does not make you essentially different from others. All of us are very much alike in appearance and emotional responses, in our capacity to think, to reason, to be miserable, to be happy, to love and be loved.” (President Hinckley) Being single or married does not make you or I any less of a person. We are all complete. We are whole and complete, in our own way. Caveat: I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I love being a member of the LDS Church. This is in no way a reflection of how every member of the Church treats those that are single people. This is a compilation of examples and interactions that I have had with some of the culture in our religion. Footnotes:
6 Comments
Katie Ludlow
7/31/2016 01:19:23 pm
Thank you. You are a inspiration and a God send. Your words are just what I need to here. Keep it up! Love you!
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Phillip Riggs
7/31/2016 04:33:21 pm
That was awesome. My favorite line is about how you're working. Cause we are all working, and all trying, and as Elder Holland said we get credit for that. I think a lot of people can and will benefit from this blog. Well done, Alex
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Aimee L Phillips
7/31/2016 08:20:43 pm
I love this!! I had a serious epiphany during this last school year as I contemplated that with the YSA dynamics being as they are here in NC, I probably wasn't going to find my spouse while at grad school. The thought of waiting another 3 years was really depressing and frustrating. Then, after more contemplation and a little self pity, I realized something. As many have preached and taught time and time again, eternal marriage is essential for eternal progression in the celestial kingdom. Therefore, if Heavenly Father is withholding this necessary blessing from me, then He must have an extremely important work for me to do, one that would be difficult or even impossible for me to do if I was married. Reflecting back, I sense that work as I've lived in so many places and met so many people in such a short time. Marriage will come for us one day, but for now, God needs us elsewhere doing some other work- different work, but His work nonetheless.
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7/31/2016 08:33:07 pm
So glad you started this! Sometimes the "stigma" of being single in the church makes you feel a bit like you are walking around with a sign on your forehead that reads "reject". (By the way, the stigma gets a whole lot worse being a mid-single.) But we aren't rejects in any way, we're just us and doing the best we can. Great start and keep it up lady!
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Amy Wilkins
8/1/2016 02:57:52 pm
This is exactly what I wish I had when I was single! I always felt like it was a popularity contest. Who wore the nicest clothing to church? Who had the most attention from men/women? Who was in a relationship first? And then when I got married the first time I felt like I joined a new "elite" group of members. I was raised in the church and somehow this ideal life was taught to me. It shouldn't be a contest to see who gets married first, or has the best spouse, or the best children. It should be life. What ever your life is, that's what it should be. I can't wait to read more from you!
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Emily
4/4/2017 07:55:07 pm
As a 28 year old living in Rexburg and Provo, I have also found the pressure of marriage a frustrating one. I was engaged at one point, but it wasn't right to follow through, so the search continued. Inbetween the "woe is me!" phases I decided that this was a prime time to focus developing me and achieving my goals. In about 5 years I accomplished nearly everything on my bucket list, including finishing a doctorate degree and starting my career. I found value in the things I did and who I became. After accepting that I was destined to be single forever, an old friend came back into my life and several months later we got engaged. While I'm transitioning to the married mindset, I reflect often on my single days and I'm so grateful for them. While tremendous blessings come from marriage, I feel more fulfilled because of the things I was able to do while single. Despite the common opinion, whether conscious or subconscious, of many members, your relationship status does not define you, your choices do.
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