Do you ever feel that you are reaching for something, but you don’t know what it is? Like an idea is always on the tip of your tongue? Or like a baby laying in a crib with your arms flailing around reaching for something but don’t how to get it? Because of this, we turn to revelation to direct us in our decision-making process. Which is what we should do, but are we doing it with the right perspective? Making decisions is hard. I was the flippy-floppy type of decision maker. “Should I or Shouldn’t I…” I would ask myself over and over again. I was always so concerned with making the Right Choice that analysis paralysis would take over. I admit, it took me eighteen and a half years of formal education (no, not years of life, but all the way through grad school) to feel comfortable about making a hard decision and sticking with it. I came to feel that there was only one Right Choice. Although, that one Right Choice may not exist in every situation. Follow me for a second… This may seem a little off topic, but it all ties together. A lot of my life I have believed “When I get married everything will be perfect. I will have my life figured out, my husband will have things figured out, and we will have a perfect little figured out life together.” News flash, Alex, you will probably never feel like you have your life figured out. Why would you expect someone in the same boat as you to have it figured out? Even though I have followed my dream to go to grad school and find some awesome jobs, I rarely ever feel satisfied[8] . I am constantly wondering if I’m living up to my potential or that I am doing everything the Lord asks of me. We have somehow been lead to believe/talked ourselves into this idea that revelation will tell us every time what is the One Right Choice. To reiterate, that one Right Choice may not exist in every situation. A couple of weeks ago, many of you saw that the article “You Are Not Messing Up God’s Plan for You”, written by Ariel Szuch. This Ensign article was shared consistently by Millennials for a few days (which in the social media world, that’s a loooooong time). Like it may have for many of you, this article this article comforted and inspired me. As I have tried to explain these sentiments in my “Expectations” blog, Ariel says it more succinctly: For a lot of my life, I wondered if I was messing up God’s plan for me. I’ve agonized over making the right choice… I’m learning that God is much less a divine dictator who demands perfect compliance to a predetermined plan for our individual lives and much more a co-creator with us of the kind of lives we want to live. I’m learning that his plan for me is a lot less like a laser-crossed minefield and a lot more of a journey of coming to know myself and coming to know Him . Giiiiiiirlllllll. Nailed it. Our Heavenly Father intends for us to be that baby laying in the crib flailing our arms. When we flail we are reaching towards Him. We need Him to show us how to obtain what we want. Although, there is a part of us that is firm in His Gospel. We believe that Heavenly Father loves us. We believe that He has a plan. We are rooted in the doctrine. We are firm in that those beliefs. Flailing Arms, Firm Feet. It’s an interesting dichotomy. Part of us is thrashing around looking for something to hold onto. While the other half of ourselves is unmoving. So how does Revelation, The Right Choice and flailing body parts should do with each other? Faith. “Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1). “Faith is knowing the sun will rise, lighting each new day. Faith is knowing the Lord will hear our prayers each time I pray. Faith is like a little seed; if planted it will grow.” I haven’t seen Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. But I have felt their presence. I haven’t seen water changed to wine, but I have felt my heart change after asking for it. Faith is looking for Revelation. Faith is having the courage to step into a decision where there isn’t One Right Choice. Faith is knowing God may left us flail for a little bit. This is the lifelong test. Giving up control and having faith. I flail. And I flail hard during that first unknowing step in a decision. But you know what I do know? I am always caught. And that’s Firm Feet. Elder Christofferson has said: “Some of you may have wondered about the values and significance of your life and what the Lord thinks of you. There are things that may have happened or may not have happened in your life. You may worry about parts of your patriarchal blessing that are not yet fulfilled. Please know there is a great deal still to happen in your life before your resurrection. Much more can happen than you expect! Mortal life is not the beginning or the end. The key for all of us is to accomplish all that we can now.” The only way to grasp what our flailing arms have been reaching for is being a co-creator with our Heavenly Father. Let him know what you want to do, move forward with faith that He will let you know if He approves. So, go ahead and flail. That’s how we learn. Elder Chrisofferson continues: “Cultivate and apply your talents. Develop your God-given spiritual gifts. Don’t be content with where you are. Try new things. Keep going. Remember in the parable of the talents that the reward is the same for the person who increased their five talents to ten and the person who increased their two talents for four: ‘Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy Lord’.”
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Starting and developing a new relationship is a good time for personal growth and reflection. In the first couple of days we were dating, Ryan asked me what my biggest fear was. My own answer surprised me. Since being an almost 100% Extrovert (Thank you Myers-Briggs), I usually respond to that question with “Being alone is my biggest fear.” I hate being a lone for too long, I prefer to work next to someone even though we don’t talk, I prefer to go to the store with someone else, I prefer to have a person who I can tell everything to. But that was not my initial reaction this time. I had made the realization that I have learned how to be alone; that I have gone through enough “lonely” time of my life and moments of “adulting” (for lack of a better term, I hate that word) to know what it feels like to be alone. The thought of being alone again hurts and I don’t really want to go there again, but I know I could make it through. I conquered what I thought my biggest fear was, without even really knowing it! What is my biggest fear, then? I replied to Ryan, who was so sweetly listening intently, “Missing my potential. Not being the best version of myself.” So what does one person do with that, once the realization has been made? The correct answer would be to change my behavior and instantly change to become the best version of myself that I could imagine! Right? Wrong. I think one of the reasons that I feel this way is because I heard someone, somewhere (maybe it was a credible source, maybe it wasn’t…) say something like this: Your potential is always moving forward, and if you don’t keep up with it, you will lose that potential of potential. Okay, don’t let your brain explode yet. Let me explain with a picture. I never thought that I could make up that gap. That time was passing and I was actually missing my Potential (with a big P, the type of potential that is the best version of myself). With a closer study of the Atonement and Grace, I am beginning to learn that this may not be true. I have been forgetting one important factor. From one of my most favorite talks, “His Grace is Sufficient” by Brad Wilcox, comes a great explanation to my concerns: Christ asks us to show faith in Him, repent, make and keep covenants, receive the Holy Ghost, and endure to the end. By complying, we are not paying the demands of justice—not even the smallest part. Instead, we are showing appreciation for what Jesus Christ did by using it to live a life like His. Justice requires immediate perfection or a punishment when we fall short. Because Jesus took that punishment, He can offer us the chance for ultimate perfection (see Matthew 5:48, 3 Nephi 12:48) and help us reach that goal. He can forgive what justice never could, and He can turn to us now with His own set of requirements (see 2 Nephi 2:7; 3 Nephi 9:20). We may think we see two sets of footprints in the sand and then sometimes one and back to two sets of footprints. But, that is the wrong way to look at it. There is always only one set of footprints in the sand. (If you don’t know what I am referring too, read up on a modern poem that I have heard in several talks/lessons http://www.sapphyr.net/largegems/footprints.htm ). Christ is always carrying us. His grace is already sufficient for us! He atoned wholly and completely for me, but I need to do my part to receive the type of blessing and eternal life that I want. Nothing ever comes from just letting things happen to you. For me to be whole and complete, to reach my Potential, I need to work hard AND let Him carry me. This is what the graph really should look like: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13 Christ was the one thing I was forgetting. I need both obedience and hard work, coupled with Christ to enable me fill The Gap of my Potential. Mormons are a peculiar people. You know why? Because we think the best weekend of the last six months is the one where we sit for 10 hours listening to old men talk about the gospel. Many other people would not even think to do that nor would anyone outside the Church in our age group think it sounds like something they would remotely want to do. In the end, I love General Conference, no matter how peculiar. I had another post that I wanted to post this week, but this idea hit me during conference that I felt needed to be shared. So, you will get that post next week (for sneak peek… just think Bundt Cakes). The Book of Mormon teaches of the Pride Cycle. Many times a people become sanctified and are blessed for their righteousness. Then they forget their teachings and their blessings, and become puffed up in their own pride. Their pride leads to wickedness, which inevitably causes suffering and destruction. Hopefully, the people recognize their wrong doings and know where happiness comes from. Humility and repentance, if embraced, encompass their lives and they are able to prosper again. ![]() Just like we are taught about the Pride Cycle in the Book of Mormon, I feel that can also be called the Happiness Cycle for those that are Single. Let me explain. Prosperity and Righteousness: A couple of months ago I was in a very happy place. During my Sabbatical, I felt confident in myself, in being single, in my chosen place in life. I was doing what I was supposed to. I was close to the Spirit. Pride and Wickedness: Then things became hard. Some trials passed my way. I got discouraged, I lost my faith. All my actions felt useless, when I retreated far from the Spirit. The good works that I knew I should do felt like they didn’t mean anything. I didn’t feel like I was reaping the blessings I deserved. Destruction and Suffering: I withdrew from the Spirit in turn becoming pouty. I didn’t try and wasn’t doing everything that I knew was correct. My heart wasn’t in it. Longing to have the Spirit with me again I knew I needed a way out. Although, I felt I lacked the motivation deep within me. The tricky thing about motivation is that it doesn’t come until you act. This is pretty different than what society teaches us about motivation. We tell ourselves “I don’t have the motivation to start to do something.” Well, tough luck Chuck, you won’t have motivation until after you start. Humility and Repentance: So I started to act. Prayed harder. Looked for ways to serve others. Went to institute. Turned to those around me for advice. I started to feel the Spirit again because I acted. The Spirit wasn’t going to come back to me if I just waited for it. We see the pride cycle come and go at different times in our lives and for different reasons. One of my triggers that put me on this particular cycle was ingratitude for the blessing I have received. Elder Nelson spoke deeply to me from Sunday morning’s session. He taught: I feel like I have learned this lesson before. I have been preached this on this blog already! Singles tend to blame their circumstances for their unhappiness. I have done this several times! I have been feeling that I would never figure this out! No matter how many times I have tried to change, I kept resorting to the original behavior. I have read books, studied popular topics about change to understand this concept to create lasting change. President Packer has taught, “The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior.” That was the kick in the butt I needed to learn from the gospel. So I began praying to know how to enable actual changes in my behavior. I have come to the conclusion that it is what is the focus of my life, one guiding principle that will sustain long term change, not just action. Here is a little diagram that I think helps to visualize what I’m talking about. If Christ is my focus, then he is my Exemplar. By following His example, I will strive to love. If I will develop love in my heart, I will sincerely want to act in a way that Christ would. Things like serving others, fulfilling my calling, praying, reading scriptures won’t feel like a responsibility, but a genuine interest.
(see the article about rituals vs. relationships here: http://ldsmag.com/is-your-scripture-study-a-ritual-or-relationship/). I believe this is what General Conference is teaching us! In each and every one of the speaker’s own way, we are being taught different methods to change and make Christ our focus. Everyone changes differently. This is how I can see myself changing. I know it’s going to be a long road, but it is starting to make sense to me. What has General Conference taught you about changing yourself? What are you going to do about it? There are times when we think that one or two things define our entire being. Sometimes I let my master’s degree or my curly hair define me. True, these traits define a small piece about me, but not my whole self. We all fall into the habit of defining ourselves sometimes as JUST married or JUST single, right? (I know I have talked about this before, but trust me it is going somewhere). A few weeks ago, I asked the Facebook world to send me their thoughts about being single, and realizations that they had come to. (Thank you to all who sent in your thoughts! It has been much appreciated. Please keep them coming!) Sarah R. and I worked together in theatre during my undergrad work back in the day. She was kind enough to write to me from her perspective as a married woman. I appreciate her insight because I can’t understand the world completely from the side of marriage. She says: “As a single person I felt like my life was defined by my singledom. Especially as a student attending a church school, it was hard to see past the lack of the ring on my finger. However, as I prepared to graduate with my bachelor's degree, I became excited about the prospect of being single in a new city. Fortunately/unfortunately, I met my husband the last semester of college, and we had a long distance relationship for a whole year before we got married, both at age 25. Now, 4 years and two kids into marriage, I see singledom so much differently than I did when I was wading through it. I wish I would not have stressed at all about my relationship status, and instead enjoyed all the wonderful things you can do with ease when you're single; traveling with friends, staying out late, getting up and going to the gym, eating whatever and whenever I wanted, planning a trip to go see a friend, where the accommodations are sleeping on their couch… being young and single now means freedom, and endless future possibilities. I wish I could explain to my single friends and family how to get that perception of themselves. It's wonderful to have a companion in marriage, and although the relationship between a husband and a wife is obviously different than other close friendships, it isn't much different than having a roommate who you are very close to in the fact that you can travel together, or party together anytime. However if you want to do something by yourself in marriage, it is much harder to do so without potentially hurting the other's feelings, feeling selfish, etc. Traveling is more expensive, living is more expensive, and you constantly have to think about another person's feelings and desires, even when considering small details like where to eat, or what time to go to bed. And now that the children are young, it's even harder to get any time for yourself, and nearly impossible to do any traveling. Spiritual and self growth is often put on the back burner in order to make time for diaper changes, or midnight feedings. What I'm really trying to say is that The grass is often greener on the other side. When we are single, we can spend all of our time pining to be married, only to find that when we are married, we wish we could have the freedom we had when we were single. (I just want to clarify that I am very very happy in my marriage, and find so much fulfillment as a mother. But I do sometimes pine for those moments of singledom again, even just for a moment. ) I don't feel like my marriage defines me, and I don't feel like my children define me, so I don't know why I ever let my singleness define me.” Thank you Sarah.
Since I hadn’t quite made it out of my pouty “I’m very single” phase by the end of this week like I said I would in my last post, I knew I needed to change. So I turned to gratitude. Sarah, your words have helped me turn my pouty-ness into being grateful for where I am. Confession: I have been extremely jealous of my friends with babies these last couple of weeks. I just want to have my own little child that I get to take, hold, squish and love anytime I want. However, right now, like Sarah said, I get to go to bed whenever I want, travel wherever I want, do whatever I want. That is one blessing of where I am in life. There is a time and season for everything. My season of singleness just happens to be longer than others. Heavenly Father has blessed me to be in this position in life. I don’t know why, and I don’t know how long I get to be here. But it’s up to me to show the world how I will be defined. I get to decide. And I won’t be defined by my singleness. I am grateful for where I am. I am grateful for where I am.I am grateful for where I am. (Sometimes I chant things so i really start to believe it). So you decide. How are you defined? What do you want to be known for? It’s up to you. Guys. Sometimes you can’t always be positive. Sometimes you have those weeks. I’ve been sick with a sneaky little cold this last week. Which I have tried to take some down time to get better. Which has led me to a lot of Grey’s Anatomy and Facebook. Ahhhh, Facebook (And Instagram, for that matter). Where everyone posts the good aspects of their lives. In pictures, in cute little quip-y statuses, in all the funny hashtags. To make their lives seem great. To make it out as a little more glamorous than it really is. I’m at fault of that, too. Nobody wants to read someone complaining or posting of negative things. We only want to see happy things. Fine, I get it. But it sucks to see sometimes. It does. Especially when you feel lost, and everyone else seems to have it together. When you feel lonely, and it seems everyone has 5 kids by now. When you are wondering what happened to your friends, and they all are out doing fun things without you. It’s hard not to ask yourself, what happened? Why am I where I am? I’m trying. I’m trying to be easy going. I’m trying to be flexible and go with the flow. I’m trying to become less dependent on people. I’m trying not to get attached. I’m trying to follow His Will. But His Will is big and scary and I don’t know if I want to do it. I’m trying to be vulnerable, but it is kicking me in the butt. In a faculty meeting this week, we were taught to teach our students that it is okay, even good, to fail. Yep. That’s real. Preached it in my thesis, and in my classes. Got it. Although, what does that really mean? How do I really practice it? I think that the word fail has a lot attached to it. Failing means that one falls short or doesn’t succeed at what was intended. Failing is a series of mistakes. There was a very poignant point made by the key note speaker in this faculty meeting that made an impact on me. Errors and mistakes are not failing. Okay. Fine. I guess instead of calling this “Failed at Faith,” I should call it “Learning Faith”. The key note speaker, who was an influential in my development for me as an undergrad, went on to speak about how learning and failing is a continual process. It is a journey. We can take one step forward and two steps back very quickly. He reassures us that this is the process of learning. Something we must do. So what are my series of mistakes of learning faith, aka failing at faith, teaching me? I’m imperfect. And I’m not expected to be perfect. I’m not expected to be perfect. I’m not expected to be perfect. I’m not expected to be perfect. And it’s okay. So here I am. Still being freakin’ vulnerable even though I am pouty this week and don’t want to: Everyone, I had a bad week. I wasn’t faithful. I was letting the pesky thoughts of comparison ruin my self-worth and attitude. But, next week will be better because I am learning faith. And I’m determined to take a step forward. Back in undergrad (my friends LOVE when I call college ‘undergrad’, because it sounds pretentious. Ha!), there was an apartment of boys that I became good friends with. Good enough friends that our apartments were so close together that we strung a can phone from our window to theirs. Yes, you read that right. A can phone. You know, where there are two empty tin cans on each end of a taut string that you can speak through? If you ever wondered if that could actually work, well you have mine and about 11 other people’s word that it does! Nonetheless, I was friends with this apartment. I would spend a lot of evenings over there. One evening (more like night, because it was probably around midnight… oh to be young again), one of the boys was having girl problems and we were all hearing about it. The problem was something along the lines of boy likes girl, boy wasn’t sure girl liked him, boy was stuck. (Classic, right? I mean, it can go both ways). Some of us were offering up advice, but our friend wasn’t really taking much of it. One of the guys in that apartment, who I affectionately named Kelvie (I will not disclose his real name to protect him from Identity Fraud, which is running rampant on the line) (Kelvie, if you are reading this, I hope you don't mind :)), who tended to be elusive, yet easy-going fun guy, blurted out the best, most universal and succinct advice I have ever heard. “Bust a move and find out.” We looked at Kelvie for an explanation. “Just make a move and see how she reacts. What do you have to lose?” We ask ourselves that sometimes when we face a decision… what do we have to lose? Sometimes, we don’t feel like we have anything, but sometimes we have a lot to lose, or what we perceive that we are going to lose. Especially in relationships, taking risks makes us scared. Makes us feel vulnerable. And who wants to be those two things? In a society where asking for help is a sign of weakness, coupled with “you can do it on your own” attitude, doesn’t allow for a lot of risk taking. Where success is measured only by if we achieve the best outcome of that risk. When we don’t hit that mark, we are considered a failure. Who wants to risk when there is a very low percentage of (perceived) success? Not a lot of people. So, then what? Should this friend of mine “bust a move and find out?” If he does, he could potentially receive an outcome that would come to the desired outcome of dating this girl, or he would be turned down. Is the risk worth it? Yes. Yes, it is. And here is why. Let’s break down the woman with the issue of blood story from the New Testament. Mark 5, starting in verse 25: 25 And a certain woman, which had an issue of blood twelve years, Woah. Lots of years of suffering. Maybe we can equate her physical suffering to one of our own trials. 26 And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse, She had done all that she could. 27 When she had heard of Jesus, came in the press behind, and touched his garment. 28 For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole. She took action. A step of faith. A risk. 29 And straightway the fountain of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of that plague. Blessings! 30 And Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that virtue had gone out of him, turned him about in the press, and said, Who touched my clothes? 31 And his disciples said unto him, Thou seest the multitude thronging thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me? 32 And he looked round about to see her that had done this thing. 33 But the woman fearing and trembling, knowing what was done in her, came and fell down before him, and told him all the truth. She was afraid to take the risk, but she made the move, despite the risks. 34 And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague. Blessings! Let’s break this down and see the pros and cons to this scenario (Jami! We should have bout that pro/con list when we had the chance!).
What did the woman have to lose?
To this woman with an issue of blood, there was a greater potential that something wonderful could happen! The risk of the gain outweighed the possibility of not trying. In the end, she reaped very a poignant blessings for her. She risked. She acted on faith. Can we surmise that taking risks is akin to acting on faith? “Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1). We don’t see the outcome. We don’t know what will happen when we bust a move. But our faith that something good could come out of it. That little could, ignites our willingness to try. Are we willing to trust “in His (Christ’s) infinite power, intelligence, and love?” (True to the Faith) Through our righteousness, He is always there to buoy us up. He makes things go right, He helps us when things go wrong. He wants us to be the best version of ourselves. We learn to rely on Him, even when our natural instinct is to “do it on our own.” Just like the woman with the issue of blood who did everything in her power she could. Then she was willing to try something that she had only heard, but maybe never seen happen before. She trusted. She had faith. She took a risk. We are asked to take a step into the dark and trust in the Savior’s power. If we take that step, something better than we could have ever imagined can change our lives. If we want our lives to be the best it can be, why not try? Just try? Why not fight for changes in our lives that it can be more fulfilling, more exciting, more vibrant? What is one thing in your life that you want? Are you willing to take a risk, to get out of your comfort zone? Will you let yourself grow through vulnerability? I would like to add onto Kelvie’s wise advice: Bust a move, find out and own it. What do you’ve got to lose? “Sometimes the future changes quickly and completely and we’re left with only the choice of what to do next. We can choose to be afraid of it, to stand there trembling, not moving, assuming the worst that can happen or we can step forward into the unknown and assume it will be brilliant.” -Christina Yang, Grey’s Anatomy Let me tell you a story of Debbie and how a 4-minute interaction changed my life. Debbie runs a small holistic store in a flea market in Calgary, Alberta Canada, selling healing crystals, jewelry and other holistic items. Kyrie, a friend, and I went to visit our college friend, Amanda, in Canada on Spring Break. Best decision ever. This went on the list of the most fun weekends of my life! (I couldn't tell you who the photo cred was for all the photos. Most likely, my selfie stick). Well, one morning we ended up in this flea market. I don’t know what drew us there, but we ended up in this little store with healing stones, and incense, and jewelry. Amanda wanted to buy a healing stone and Kyrie found a ring she loved. Amanda approached the counter, where we first meet Debbie. Debbie asks Amanda if this stone bracelet was for her, in which Amanda replied, “Yes.” Debbie asked if she could pray over it. Amanda agreed and before we knew it Debbie was giving Amanda a reading, a psychic reading. Debbie was warning Amanda about potential car problems; that she needed to be careful in the coming weeks about her little blue car, which her parents had just bought. Okay. Interesting. Amanda promised she would be mindful of the car. This “reading” was all to our surprise. We had no idea that we would be “blessed” and read as we checked out our purchases. Amanda walked away a little stunned. Kyrie approached the counter and was asked the same question. Debbie blessed the ring and proceeded to say that Kyrie had just gotten out of a relationship (which she had) and her heart was in a good place (which Kyrie felt like she didn’t have any resentment or bitterness towards the guy). Debbie also said that if she meets a tall blonde man, that she needs to pay attention to him. Okayyyyyyyy Debbie. We are listening now! You tell one of us about our future including a boy, we are totes going to listen. We walked away in shock. What just happened? Are these things going to come true? How did she know all of this?? Just to preface, we were not taking everything she said as pure truth. It was fun to lean into her unsolicited, genuine advice. More of an experience than anything. And maybe there was something we could learn from her. Well, I didn’t want to go away empty-handed, I wanted a reading. So, long story short, I went back a third time to get my reading. I bought a bracelet that I have never worn, but the 10 Canadian dollars I spent on it was TOTALLY worth it. She first told me that I was emitting a red aura which meant I was harboring a lot of resentment and bitterness that I needed to let go of. She mentioned a way to get rid of that was to ground myself. Think about what it meant to ground myself and find ways to do it. She suggested a few healing stones and books to read to help me with that. In our parting conversation, she said me and my two friends had great energy. YES. We worked hard on that. ;) As I walked away, I couldn’t think of anyone that I felt bitterness towards. I wasn’t mad at anyone. All my relationships at that point in my life were looking pretty good. No hard feelings. Maybe Debbie wasn’t spot on with me (or any of my friends, for that matter). After a few minutes, it dawned on me. I was bitter. I was SO bitter. I was holding onto grudges of past boyfriends and the fiancé for breaking up with me. I blamed them for the current emotional state I was in (which was repairing, but not so great). I blamed them for everything that was wrong in my life. So maybe Debbie was right. Grounded. What did that mean to me? I am completely a visual learner so sometimes when trying to figure something out, pictures come to my mind. The image of myself popped up: feet being firmly planted in the ground, back straight, shoulders back, chin up. I was emitting confidence. As I have pondered that image more and more since that day, I desired to become that woman. I wanted to be confident in myself and in JUST myself. But how would I get to that point? I always thought that I needed to have a man in my life to be complete, to be completely happy, for people to look at me with respect, for myself to be worth anything. But that wasn’t true, was it? I had a tendency to ALWAYS be looking for someone to date. Which has ended up in a series of short-lived relationships. Nothing was ever super committed because I would jump head first into a relationship without much thought beforehand. Which meant, that I didn’t know if I was really interested in that person completely. The epitome of flightiness. Which led to holding grudges, feeling bitter to the men that had come into my life and left, or I chose to leave. (Yeah! You read that right. I would get bitter towards guys who I decided to leave. Backwards, right?!). I was insecure about being single. Ding, ding, ding!! I found the right answer here, people! I would become dependent on a man, and when it ended I would crash emotionally. This hindered my growth as a person. I needed to change. Later that day, I found a book about meditation. I thought, “Hey. This will probably help in my grounding.” So I bought it. Mind you, I haven’t finished an entire book since my sophomore year in college. Reading just isn’t that pleasurable to me anymore. But I bought a book with an intention to read it. Hopefully, it can help me change. This began my grounding experiment called “Alex’s Dating Sabbatical”. I had to change my mindset. I was angry about being single. I wasn’t able to accept the way my life was. I didn’t want to be that anymore. I needed to take a break from dating, or at least the pursuing of men. So, I created a set of rules/things I wanted to change.
This brought me a sense of peace about my Single-dom. This was hard for me to do. I hadn’t realized how much a priority dating was to me than when I tried to stop. (You know, like an addiction… Eek!) It was a process; every day was different. I had to keep in mind that I couldn’t be perfect at all these goals all at once. There were baby steps to take that would eventually lead me to the person I want to be. Every day I made a conscious decision to change. Consistency is hard for human beings, but once it is developed you can feel the change. Through meditation, yoga, praying, changing my priorities, sharing my problems and connecting with others, learning to accept Heavenly Father’s will and acting on faith, I found that peace. And what was that peace, you ask? Well here it is: I know that I am a Daughter of God. My Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I am a woman with many talents, endowed by my Father, that I can offer to a variety of different people. I need to use those talents in order to serve others because that is what my Heavenly Father wants of me. I love him, so I will be obedient. I am more focused on the positive aspects of myself. In the mediation book, I bought that day in Canada, “You Are Here” by Thich Naht Hanh, we are taught to accept the negative thoughts we have by not being violent to them. Let them come into your mind, acknowledge them, and push them out of your mind. Thoughts should be recognized that they are there, acknowledged that they may be what I am feeling, but understood that they need to be let go if toxic. Recognize, acknowledge and let go. The article “To My Friends Going Through a Quarter-Life Crisis”, uses the phrase “Self-Compassion” to explain this idea. The article teaches it much better than I could. “Over the past year I’ve become more conscious of the way I talk to myself and tried to counter my self-critical thoughts with cutting myself some slack and telling myself that no matter what I do or don’t do, I am worthy of love and belonging. God loves me not for my accomplishments but because I am His, and I can love myself because I am a child of God with infinite worth, even though I don’t have everything figured out…” …or that I don’t have a man in my life. ….or that I am not the type of person I want to be. …or that someone has hurt me and I feel bitter towards them. Try it. It works. This compassionate self-talk was the key to accepting who I was and where I was at that point in my life. Finally, I began to understand what faith was in a more holistic sense (No, not Debbie holistic… relating to or concerned with complete systems rather than with individual parts). Every day is a test of faith. Every thought and action is a test of faith. I began to ask myself questions like, “Am I going to believe in this negative thought about myself? Am I going to let myself be dominated by perceptions and unnecessary stereotypes? How am I going to show God today that I trust in His plan for me?” Don’t get me wrong, I am not perfect at this yet. But these questions helped to change my mindset. They helped to ground me into the confident woman that I imagined. I have changed my priorities in life. Yes, finding an eternal companion is important, and one of my goals, but it isn’t my first goal in life. Before my sabbatical, it was my first priority. I don’t have control over that, but I do have control on what type of person I am. You may be asking yourself right now why I called this “My Dating Not-So Sabbatical”. Here is why. When I wasn’t looking for a man, someone came into my life. He was a very kind, sweet, humble guy. We spent time together. He treated me like royalty. He got along with my family, made me laugh and helped me forget my insecurities. I also credit him for this change in myself. I know it seems backwards, to have a romantic interest during a “dating sabbatical”. But his presence in my life enabled me to be better. Even though we aren’t together anymore, he was imperative to my life journey. People come into your life when you need them the most. Whether or not, Debbie had the ability to “read” me, her advice helped me to change. It helped me recognize what I was lacking in my life. That day, that interaction was definitely a tender mercy. Listen carefully because, at any point, you don’t know if a 4-minute interaction with someone can change your life for the better. For the full article of the quote, go here: www.lds.org/blog/to-my-friends-going-through-a-quarter-life-crisis?lang=eng#prclt-ICd2ts50
This is Gabby. Gabriella Jane. My first niece.
I love her to pieces. From the moment I met her, I loved her.
Gabby has a birth defect called OEIS Complex. To put it in laymen’s terms all of Gabby’s organs below her chest have grown on the outside of her body, she has a large Spinal Bifida sack where her right leg should be, and urinary track is all messed up. Follow her GoFundMe link below to learn more about the specifics of her condition.
https://www.gofundme.com/2gbxhck
Gabby is at Primary Children’s Hospital and my sister-in-law Jen is living at the Ronald McDonald House, 4ish hours from home. Gabby has too many complications to be able to go home. Every day is different, some days where she is making progress and some days where she takes a couple of steps back. It is going to be a long journey of surgeries that we won’t know when it will end.
I had a lot of thoughts floating in my head the first two weeks after she was born. I wanted say them all to her right then, but of course the newborn can’t understand English. Sooo, I decided to write it down so that someday she can read it and learn from my experiences. This is a letter tailored to my niece, but it is something that I would want all little girls to be taught. Gabby, I love you. I knew when I met you, I loved you. When your parents told us you were coming (even though I thought you were a boy…) I loved you. I can’t wait to see you grow up and what kind of personality you will develop; how are we going to interact and play and have fun. I can’t wait for those days. You have so many people who love you. Always remember that. Can I tell you the story of your birth, from where I was? I was teaching at BYU-Idaho at the time. I had literally just finished my very last thing of the semester at 10pm on a Wednesday night. That’s when I got the text. “Gabby is coming. Jarek is going to Utah right now.” I called your Grandpa. “Does he need me to go with him?” The answer was affirmative. And within 20 minutes, I was packed and headed down to Utah with your dad. You had the most perfect timing for me, and no one else. (So thank you for that!) It was a long drive. We weren’t sure we you were going to make it. But you did. I was one of the first family members to see you, baby. You were so tiny, so adorable, and even had little curls on what hair you did have. We knew what kind of condition you were to have. We were prepared but it still didn’t make it easy. It was 3 am when we were talking to one of the doctors. Tears welled up in my eyes because you had to fight to live. And you were fighting. It was so hard, every time I would have to leave you. I have gotten to see you several times recently. And I got to hold you. I loved every second of those two hours. You just slept and squirmed in my arms. All the nurses came up and would say how beautiful you were. They made sure we knew they meant it. “She is an ACTUALLY cute baby,” they would say. I have started this letter a few times where I wanted to tell you EVERYTHING I have learned in my 26 years. Teach you all the lessons from my teen years, all the heartbreak and happy times of my twenties. But I can’t teach you everything in just one letter. These years of growing pains were pivotal to my growth and development as a woman, and they will be for you too. So I have narrowed it down to two thoughts that I want you to learn young. For most of my twenties I was plagued by the thought that I always thought I needed a man to make me happy, to make me feel complete. But I’ve learned that is far, far from the truth. You are an individual. You have talents and gifts and abilities that no one else has. You have such a unique life experience, already, that is going to make you a strong fighter. You do not need anyone to complete you. You are whole and complete on your own. Now Gabby, I’m not saying that you don’t need anybody in your life. You need friends, you need loved ones, you need to learn to love others. But your worth is not dependent on whether or not you are dating someone or if you are married. Marriage is a great goal to have, don’t get me wrong. It is still one of my priorities. You should strive for marriage. But that is not the end goal. Marriage will enable you to be better in different ways than being single can, but marriage does not make you any better or less. Find what you love to do in life. Find ways to serve, have an amazing career, but don’t bank on the fact that you will one day get married. Don’t half-heartedly pursue your dreams because you are waiting for a husband to come a sweep you off your feet. I’m not saying this because of your disabilities. I would say the same thing to every girl. The Church and people in your life will make you feel like you need a husband to be “successful”, but is that what defines “success” to you? Make your own definition and stick to it! You will be so much more of an interesting person that way, that people will naturally be drawn to you (people are already naturally drawn to you; you should see what how the doctors and nurses react to you while you are sleeping. Everyone already loves you!). Secondly, you are enough. Never let anyone ever tell you that you are less than enough. Don’t let any boy ever make you feel inferior. If one boy doesn’t like you, that is okay. It doesn’t mean you are unlovable. It means that this boy is looking for something different. Different is fine. Don’t look for ways to build your self-esteem horizontally from those around you. Look vertically for your self-worth is from your Heavenly Father. That is where true happiness and self-compassion lies. We are made to be different. Accept your difference and learn to love the unique qualities that Heavenly Father gave you. Like I said, you have talents and abilities and life experiences that no one else has had. You can help and support and teach people around you. You have so much capacity for good. Know that your good is enough. If you ever feel like you aren’t enough, let the Atonement work through you. Pray to your Heavenly Father and ask that the Savior fill that gap. He will fill it. Every time. You work hard. You treat people nicely. You follow the Spirit. With that, you are enough. One last thing. I need to tell you what amazing parents you have. Through your diagnosis, birth and what little treatment you have had since your birth, your parents are the epitome of faith. They do not complain. They sacrifice for you. They restlessly sit by your bedside and hold your hand. They would give up everything for you. They are planning their life around you. You are very blessed. They are huge examples to me. Please remember that. Gabby, you have so much support around you. Please never feel alone. We don’t know how it feels to go through what you have, but we have been here throughout the entire journey with you. Let us love you, let us help you. Love you baby girl, (Your Favorite Aunt) Alex
This post is not necessarily along the lines of looking as focusing on single vs married perspectives, but something that I have learned (I could have added “While being single” to the end of that sentence, but that would have been superfluous because I have always been single) (See? Mindsets are changing!).
Expectations are the belief that something, whether good or bad, is going to happen. We expect that our day is going to go the way we plan. We expect there to be the food in the fridge that we left there the night before. We expect those that we call friends will act and react in a certain way. It is easier to expect something when you feel you have control over it. Like inanimate objects, for example. I expect that the apple I placed on the shelf will be there tomorrow when I want to eat it. Apples do not have legs of their own just to walk off somewhere; You understand the parameters that apples can live in. But when it comes to people and relationships, that is a-whole-nother issue. People have agency. People can choose to react in ways that they feel is appropriate for themselves. We, maybe, expect a person to react in a way that we think they will react. But that is not always the case. People will always be unpredictable, no matter how much we know a person. Remember how I talked about how my 25th year was one for the books? Well, I’m going to delve into that year a little bit here. I started seeing this guy a couple of weeks after I had moved back to Rexburg from Cincinnati. I first saw this guy giving a talk at church, when I had the thought, “You are going to marry him.” I know this is cliché, but it really did happen to me. I didn’t believe it at first. And I was just being a silly girl, making up silly stories in in my head about an attractive guy. He was referred to as the “most eligible bachelor in all of Rexburg’”; there would be no way he would be interested in me. But a short time later, we started dating. I never felt so good about a person I was dating before. I felt the most spiritual when I was around him; he made me want to be better in so many aspects of my life. I knew at that time, that this was going to be it. He was who I was going to marry. I also had a couple of spiritual experiences that solidified those feelings. Well, as you can probably tell, we didn’t get married. We didn’t even end up dating that long. Although, I had very, very, very high expectations of that relationship. I expected us to get married. I expected us to grow closer together spiritually and emotionally. I knew this was supposed to work out. But it didn’t. When he broke things off, I came crashing down. So far down that I ended up in a therapist’s office with a case of depression, a couple of months after the break up. How did this happen? I KNEW we were supposed to get married! I knew that we were put in each other’s life for a reason. He was everything that I knew I wanted in a man. I didn’t understand how my spiritual promptings were not matching what was actually happening (I know some of you might be thinking “Oh you just got your infatuation in the way of the Spirit." Part of that may be true, but I had a lot of confirmations that this was going in the direction of marriage). I realized that I put too many expectations in this person and, as we know, are people are unpredictable. January 1, 2016 I had come to a head. I needed some advice, I needed to see how others dealt with this. I wrote this and posted on Facebook so see if I could get some feedback from my friends. I am constantly hounding my students to be vulnerable, so this is me. Being vulnerable. The start of a new year is so full of optimistic potential. At the beginning of 2015, I wanted it to be better than 2014. “This was going to be my year!” I told myself. I was going to accomplish every goal I set, I was going to kill it at every obstacle that came my way, I was going to be unstoppable. Well, that is not how things worked out. 2015 was not “my year”. I didn’t accomplish every goal, I probably only mediocrely rolled over my obstacles, and I was stopped dead in my tracks, several times. And it hurt, a lot. Don’t get me wrong, this year has been filled with so many wonderful moments and honestly, miracles. In reality, too many to list. I learned so much, was loved a lot, and was taught a lot. I am grateful for those moments. But what made the year hurt were expectations I had set. I expected certain things to happen; certain things to go the way I wanted. But that was not the case. No matter how much I want to believe that I could control my life and that I could fulfill all the expectations I had, I don’t have all the control. Other’s agency, and unforeseen consequences are just a few things that take away some of that control. The biggest reason I did not possess all the control was because my Heavenly Father was in control. He understands the plan for me. He is leading me and guiding me. And when I try to force my will over His will, it usually ends badly. I have hope in the trust I put in Him that everything will work out well in His timing. So here I am; stuck rumbling between deepening my trust in my Heavenly Father, learning how and where to set my expectations and letting go of the past. Everyone has their struggles and right now, these are mine. I’m posting this because I need new perspectives. How do you have trust? How do you let go of the past? What are expectations to you? What am I missing? Here’s to 2016. A year of new discoveries, healing and changing. I hope that it will be better, but right now I can’t guarantee that to myself. Although, what I can do is “plant the seed” of faith is in this advice from Elder McConkie: “…So I start where I am, and I go forward from there. I start using such talents as I have, and I begin to apply principles of eternal truth to my life. And I consult and counsel with the Lord in the process. And no matter where I am, the gospel takes me forward and onward and upward, and blessings flow to me that will ennoble and sanctify and improve me in this life and, eventually, give me glory, honor and dignity in the life to come.” See the below link for quote.
http://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/new-years-look-not-behind-thee?cid=HP_MO_12-28-2015_dPFD_fMRMN_xLIDyL1-A_
2016 has been full of new discoveries, healing and changing. It has been a long, but successful eight months where I have learned, to a point, where to put my expectations in others. Just because I have promptings of something going a certain way, I know now, that a person can choose another way. That doesn’t make them a bad person. It doesn’t make them unrighteous. It makes them human and exercising their agency. This refers back to Elder Oaks “Good, Better, Best” talk. I might have been good for this man, but not the best. Maybe that was what the Spirit was telling me. Finding the faith and trust in your Heavenly Father to combine your will with his, and to actually act on it, is an amazing feat. That is where the “natural man” begins to fade and an eternal character is developed. Involving someone else’s will with your own and the Lord’s will is the real miracle. In essence, marriage is a miracle! Getting two people to come to the same conclusion and getting the approval of the Supreme Creator is, I am finding, hard to do. This is one of the main reasons why we come to this earth, to gain the trust in His eternal perspective. A talk that was very helpful in this situation is Elder Bednar “That We Might Not…Shrink”. ![]()
One of the most poignant comments that was made on that Facebook post was from my grad school adviser. She talked about how having kids was the best lesson in setting, or consequently enough, not setting expectations. A parent never knows how a child is going to react, if the nap was long enough that the child isn’t grumpy, if they are feeling cooperative today, etc. (I’m not a parent, but I get it). I started to look at friends and relationships that way. I care for this person, but the person is going to do what they want. A person might be grumpy. A person might have different priorities in their life. A person has their own set of expectations. So, all in all, the old saying “hope for the best, expect the worst” has kind of become my motto.
This does sound a little sad way to live life. I am more of an optimistic than anything and I love being an optimist! But a part of our growing pains is learning when to be a realist. Sometimes that hurts to let go of the happy, sunshine world that I want to live in. But it hurts more when you get disappointed. That’s where the problem lies in expectations: disappointment. If I can manage expectations, I can manage the pain from disappointment. There was a lot of thinking and pondering which lead to acceptance. Acceptance of the fact that things are not in my control but in the control of my Heavenly Father.
“Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves—to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of everlasting life.
Wherefore my beloved brethren, reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved. Wherefore, may God raise you from death by the power of the resurrection and also from everlasting death by the power of the atonement, that ye may be received into the eternal kingdom of God, that ye may praise him through grace divine.” 2 Nephi 10:23-25
People are always going to disappoint. But God won’t. His promises are perfect. That is where my full trust can reside. That is my foundation.
Now I’m not saying that I have created a ton of trust issues for myself. I still trust people; my tendency is to trust until proven untrustworthy. I feel that is a healthy place to be in. Although, I do make sure that I always have “Hope for the best, expect the worst” mindset. I am mindful that things can work out as I hope, but now I am more prepared to handle the disappointment. I am sure everyone has gone through this growing pain in one way or another. This was my way. I have come to the conclusion that I will have the faith to get married, or not get married. Because my trust lies in my Heavenly Father and that his promises will be kept. ![]() Like any good Sacrament Meeting Talk, let’s start by referring to my good friends Merriam and Webster to start to break down this ‘single’ ideal. (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/single) Definition Numero Uno: 1a: not married EVEN THE DICTIONARY IS OUT TO REMIND US. Definition Numero Dos: 2: unaccompanied by others: lone, sole Okay, this makes sense. Definition Numero Tres: 3. being a separate whole. Individual. Now that’s more like it. Let me explain... Definition Numero Uno: 1a: not married. First off, obviously, when a person isn’t married they are called single. That’s normal even for those not practicing in the church. Although, I thought that was interesting because that isn’t the first definition I think of when I look at the work single. Whenever a friend starts talking about another person, one of their first descriptions is to point out whether they are married or single. I even asked that question, if it isn’t implied in the first little bit. It is not asking the question that gets me. That question is valid because those that are single and those that are married live life in different ways. I thought it might be helpful to list out some of the general differences: Like I said, asking the question isn’t the hard thing for me to handle because it helps me to understand what kind of life they lead and how I can interact with them (especially if they are the opposite gender). The thing that frustrates me and makes me feel alienated is how people react to the answer of the question. The mindset that is given when someone has found their eternal companion (EC) was “Oh! Great Job! You are doing it right!”. As opposed to those that haven’t found their EC is “Oh, well one day they will. There are lots of fish in the sea!” As an example of this biased, one of my amazing, talented and successful roommates sat in the hallway after church with two friends. Yes, the three of them are ‘single’, although one was recently engaged (for which I am SO very happy because they are some of the most fun people I know and they are some of the best friends anyone can come by). The Stake President of the YSA Stake walked by and started talking with the three sitting there. The Stake President was emphatic over the fact that our one friend had recently got engaged, which was very kind of him. But he didn’t ask my roommate anything about her life, like the fact that she recently got her Realtor License and was starting a new career path. Or did he ask the third friend anything about his life. It made the two who weren’t engaged feel alienated and not as valued. The Stake President just ranted and raved over the engagement. Don’t get me wrong, our Stake President is an amazing man. Some of the talks he has given have touched my soul and changed me for the better. And I get it; it is a huge goal of the Stake President of a YSA Stake for their members to get married. But why is that the only thing we get excited about? My roommate has a lot of cool and exciting things in her life, but was completely overlooked because the Stake President was gawking over an engagement. So, all in all, Merriam-Webster were correct. Single does mean not being married, which is not the problem. The problem is how we view those that are single and those that are married. Being married does not make one person better than another. It only makes them different. Definition Numero Dos 2: unaccompanied by others : lone, sole Those that are single are mainly unaccompanied. I don’t have to check in with anyone about my daily decisions. I don’t have someone to expect me to come home at night. I don’t have anyone accompany me to family gatherings. If I do bring someone, casually, it becomes a big deal. Which is fine, but maybe sometimes not the desired outcome. But the real thought, is that I make all the decisions. I never consult anyone in what I am going to do. I have the freedom to do what I want. I have a (single) friend who always teases me with “I’m an adult; I do what I want.” This is so true. But our married friends have the opportunity to consult someone else in their decisions. Which is neither good nor bad. Just different. And sometimes I long for that companion with whom I can that can be my sounding board, share the minute details of my day to and he will listen because he cares. This is why we want marriage, or a relationship. To have your person. And to be someone’s person. I am a sole, lone person. This doesn’t mean I’m lonely (most of the time). This just means that I make decisions on my own. This just means that I come home to myself at night. And this just means I get to enjoy my family even more at social gatherings. Definition Numero Tres: 3. being a separate whole. Individual. This. This is what I believe in. Finally, in my 26 years have I am at peace with being single and here’s why. A couple of months ago I didn’t believe that I was whole. I didn’t believe that I was complete on my own. I was always looking for someone to make me complete. But that doesn’t come from someone else here on earth, but it comes from me and the enabling power of the Atonement. I reached out to my Savior for his help. I needed to change. I needed to heal. And he was the only way I could. Because I prayed, I actively changed my perception of myself and others in my situation. I change my perspective of those who have been married. We are all the same. We are all incomplete without the Atonement of Christ. No human is going to make me complete. Soooooo, how does this relate to the third definition of single? I am a woman who has a Master’s degree. I am a woman who can hold an interesting conversation. I am a woman who pays her own bills, found her own health insurance, figures out what to do when her car breaks down, makes decisions for the betterment of her own life. I set goals and accomplish them. I get jobs. I vote. I do all the same things that those that are married do, but I do them by myself (or a few friends here and there). I am a functioning, capable adult. So how does me not being married make me any less of a person? It doesn’t. I am whole and complete person, on my own. This life is a journey. Right now I am on the single journey. Someday I will be on the marriage journey. Now, don’t get me wrong. I understand the importance of marriage. I believe that marriage is the most effective way to become Christ-like. I believe that marriage can fulfill the Plan of Salvation by bringing children into this world. I believe that a spouse will help me on this journey, and I will help him too, but it is between me and my Savior that I will become whole. All in all, I am completing myself. I am becoming whole. Even though I am 1. Not Married, and 2. Lone, sole. But I am 3. individual. Being single as opposed to married is not bad, it is just different. |
single.The Ability to Be Whole and Complete on My Own Archives
April 2017
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