There are times when we think that one or two things define our entire being. Sometimes I let my master’s degree or my curly hair define me. True, these traits define a small piece about me, but not my whole self. We all fall into the habit of defining ourselves sometimes as JUST married or JUST single, right? (I know I have talked about this before, but trust me it is going somewhere). A few weeks ago, I asked the Facebook world to send me their thoughts about being single, and realizations that they had come to. (Thank you to all who sent in your thoughts! It has been much appreciated. Please keep them coming!) Sarah R. and I worked together in theatre during my undergrad work back in the day. She was kind enough to write to me from her perspective as a married woman. I appreciate her insight because I can’t understand the world completely from the side of marriage. She says: “As a single person I felt like my life was defined by my singledom. Especially as a student attending a church school, it was hard to see past the lack of the ring on my finger. However, as I prepared to graduate with my bachelor's degree, I became excited about the prospect of being single in a new city. Fortunately/unfortunately, I met my husband the last semester of college, and we had a long distance relationship for a whole year before we got married, both at age 25. Now, 4 years and two kids into marriage, I see singledom so much differently than I did when I was wading through it. I wish I would not have stressed at all about my relationship status, and instead enjoyed all the wonderful things you can do with ease when you're single; traveling with friends, staying out late, getting up and going to the gym, eating whatever and whenever I wanted, planning a trip to go see a friend, where the accommodations are sleeping on their couch… being young and single now means freedom, and endless future possibilities. I wish I could explain to my single friends and family how to get that perception of themselves. It's wonderful to have a companion in marriage, and although the relationship between a husband and a wife is obviously different than other close friendships, it isn't much different than having a roommate who you are very close to in the fact that you can travel together, or party together anytime. However if you want to do something by yourself in marriage, it is much harder to do so without potentially hurting the other's feelings, feeling selfish, etc. Traveling is more expensive, living is more expensive, and you constantly have to think about another person's feelings and desires, even when considering small details like where to eat, or what time to go to bed. And now that the children are young, it's even harder to get any time for yourself, and nearly impossible to do any traveling. Spiritual and self growth is often put on the back burner in order to make time for diaper changes, or midnight feedings. What I'm really trying to say is that The grass is often greener on the other side. When we are single, we can spend all of our time pining to be married, only to find that when we are married, we wish we could have the freedom we had when we were single. (I just want to clarify that I am very very happy in my marriage, and find so much fulfillment as a mother. But I do sometimes pine for those moments of singledom again, even just for a moment. ) I don't feel like my marriage defines me, and I don't feel like my children define me, so I don't know why I ever let my singleness define me.” Thank you Sarah.
Since I hadn’t quite made it out of my pouty “I’m very single” phase by the end of this week like I said I would in my last post, I knew I needed to change. So I turned to gratitude. Sarah, your words have helped me turn my pouty-ness into being grateful for where I am. Confession: I have been extremely jealous of my friends with babies these last couple of weeks. I just want to have my own little child that I get to take, hold, squish and love anytime I want. However, right now, like Sarah said, I get to go to bed whenever I want, travel wherever I want, do whatever I want. That is one blessing of where I am in life. There is a time and season for everything. My season of singleness just happens to be longer than others. Heavenly Father has blessed me to be in this position in life. I don’t know why, and I don’t know how long I get to be here. But it’s up to me to show the world how I will be defined. I get to decide. And I won’t be defined by my singleness. I am grateful for where I am. I am grateful for where I am.I am grateful for where I am. (Sometimes I chant things so i really start to believe it). So you decide. How are you defined? What do you want to be known for? It’s up to you.
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Guys. Sometimes you can’t always be positive. Sometimes you have those weeks. I’ve been sick with a sneaky little cold this last week. Which I have tried to take some down time to get better. Which has led me to a lot of Grey’s Anatomy and Facebook. Ahhhh, Facebook (And Instagram, for that matter). Where everyone posts the good aspects of their lives. In pictures, in cute little quip-y statuses, in all the funny hashtags. To make their lives seem great. To make it out as a little more glamorous than it really is. I’m at fault of that, too. Nobody wants to read someone complaining or posting of negative things. We only want to see happy things. Fine, I get it. But it sucks to see sometimes. It does. Especially when you feel lost, and everyone else seems to have it together. When you feel lonely, and it seems everyone has 5 kids by now. When you are wondering what happened to your friends, and they all are out doing fun things without you. It’s hard not to ask yourself, what happened? Why am I where I am? I’m trying. I’m trying to be easy going. I’m trying to be flexible and go with the flow. I’m trying to become less dependent on people. I’m trying not to get attached. I’m trying to follow His Will. But His Will is big and scary and I don’t know if I want to do it. I’m trying to be vulnerable, but it is kicking me in the butt. In a faculty meeting this week, we were taught to teach our students that it is okay, even good, to fail. Yep. That’s real. Preached it in my thesis, and in my classes. Got it. Although, what does that really mean? How do I really practice it? I think that the word fail has a lot attached to it. Failing means that one falls short or doesn’t succeed at what was intended. Failing is a series of mistakes. There was a very poignant point made by the key note speaker in this faculty meeting that made an impact on me. Errors and mistakes are not failing. Okay. Fine. I guess instead of calling this “Failed at Faith,” I should call it “Learning Faith”. The key note speaker, who was an influential in my development for me as an undergrad, went on to speak about how learning and failing is a continual process. It is a journey. We can take one step forward and two steps back very quickly. He reassures us that this is the process of learning. Something we must do. So what are my series of mistakes of learning faith, aka failing at faith, teaching me? I’m imperfect. And I’m not expected to be perfect. I’m not expected to be perfect. I’m not expected to be perfect. I’m not expected to be perfect. And it’s okay. So here I am. Still being freakin’ vulnerable even though I am pouty this week and don’t want to: Everyone, I had a bad week. I wasn’t faithful. I was letting the pesky thoughts of comparison ruin my self-worth and attitude. But, next week will be better because I am learning faith. And I’m determined to take a step forward. Back in undergrad (my friends LOVE when I call college ‘undergrad’, because it sounds pretentious. Ha!), there was an apartment of boys that I became good friends with. Good enough friends that our apartments were so close together that we strung a can phone from our window to theirs. Yes, you read that right. A can phone. You know, where there are two empty tin cans on each end of a taut string that you can speak through? If you ever wondered if that could actually work, well you have mine and about 11 other people’s word that it does! Nonetheless, I was friends with this apartment. I would spend a lot of evenings over there. One evening (more like night, because it was probably around midnight… oh to be young again), one of the boys was having girl problems and we were all hearing about it. The problem was something along the lines of boy likes girl, boy wasn’t sure girl liked him, boy was stuck. (Classic, right? I mean, it can go both ways). Some of us were offering up advice, but our friend wasn’t really taking much of it. One of the guys in that apartment, who I affectionately named Kelvie (I will not disclose his real name to protect him from Identity Fraud, which is running rampant on the line) (Kelvie, if you are reading this, I hope you don't mind :)), who tended to be elusive, yet easy-going fun guy, blurted out the best, most universal and succinct advice I have ever heard. “Bust a move and find out.” We looked at Kelvie for an explanation. “Just make a move and see how she reacts. What do you have to lose?” We ask ourselves that sometimes when we face a decision… what do we have to lose? Sometimes, we don’t feel like we have anything, but sometimes we have a lot to lose, or what we perceive that we are going to lose. Especially in relationships, taking risks makes us scared. Makes us feel vulnerable. And who wants to be those two things? In a society where asking for help is a sign of weakness, coupled with “you can do it on your own” attitude, doesn’t allow for a lot of risk taking. Where success is measured only by if we achieve the best outcome of that risk. When we don’t hit that mark, we are considered a failure. Who wants to risk when there is a very low percentage of (perceived) success? Not a lot of people. So, then what? Should this friend of mine “bust a move and find out?” If he does, he could potentially receive an outcome that would come to the desired outcome of dating this girl, or he would be turned down. Is the risk worth it? Yes. Yes, it is. And here is why. Let’s break down the woman with the issue of blood story from the New Testament. Mark 5, starting in verse 25: 25 And a certain woman, which had an issue of blood twelve years, Woah. Lots of years of suffering. Maybe we can equate her physical suffering to one of our own trials. 26 And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse, She had done all that she could. 27 When she had heard of Jesus, came in the press behind, and touched his garment. 28 For she said, If I may touch but his clothes, I shall be whole. She took action. A step of faith. A risk. 29 And straightway the fountain of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of that plague. Blessings! 30 And Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that virtue had gone out of him, turned him about in the press, and said, Who touched my clothes? 31 And his disciples said unto him, Thou seest the multitude thronging thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me? 32 And he looked round about to see her that had done this thing. 33 But the woman fearing and trembling, knowing what was done in her, came and fell down before him, and told him all the truth. She was afraid to take the risk, but she made the move, despite the risks. 34 And he said unto her, Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague. Blessings! Let’s break this down and see the pros and cons to this scenario (Jami! We should have bout that pro/con list when we had the chance!).
What did the woman have to lose?
To this woman with an issue of blood, there was a greater potential that something wonderful could happen! The risk of the gain outweighed the possibility of not trying. In the end, she reaped very a poignant blessings for her. She risked. She acted on faith. Can we surmise that taking risks is akin to acting on faith? “Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1). We don’t see the outcome. We don’t know what will happen when we bust a move. But our faith that something good could come out of it. That little could, ignites our willingness to try. Are we willing to trust “in His (Christ’s) infinite power, intelligence, and love?” (True to the Faith) Through our righteousness, He is always there to buoy us up. He makes things go right, He helps us when things go wrong. He wants us to be the best version of ourselves. We learn to rely on Him, even when our natural instinct is to “do it on our own.” Just like the woman with the issue of blood who did everything in her power she could. Then she was willing to try something that she had only heard, but maybe never seen happen before. She trusted. She had faith. She took a risk. We are asked to take a step into the dark and trust in the Savior’s power. If we take that step, something better than we could have ever imagined can change our lives. If we want our lives to be the best it can be, why not try? Just try? Why not fight for changes in our lives that it can be more fulfilling, more exciting, more vibrant? What is one thing in your life that you want? Are you willing to take a risk, to get out of your comfort zone? Will you let yourself grow through vulnerability? I would like to add onto Kelvie’s wise advice: Bust a move, find out and own it. What do you’ve got to lose? “Sometimes the future changes quickly and completely and we’re left with only the choice of what to do next. We can choose to be afraid of it, to stand there trembling, not moving, assuming the worst that can happen or we can step forward into the unknown and assume it will be brilliant.” -Christina Yang, Grey’s Anatomy |
single.The Ability to Be Whole and Complete on My Own Archives
April 2017
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