The beginning of every school year sets off a time of retrospection for me (seeing as I have basically lived the "school life" my entire life, as a student and, now, a teacher).
I realized that a year ago tonight, something happened that I thought my life was going to be changed forever. It lasted a little while, but then it changed my life in a different way than I was expecting. I know I am being vague, deal with it. I look back from where I was emotionally, physically and mentally a year ago. I look at the decisions I have made during this year. I look at where I have gone, seen, experienced. I look at the growth that I have accomplished. But what does it all mean? Have I become the woman I wanted to become on that day, a year ago? I don't know if I have. And that bothers me. Driving back home from Utah tonight, I was listening (not singing, because this cold has got me sounding like a frog) to Waitress. My new favorite musical. Here are some lyrics from the song "She Used to be Mine" by Sara Barrielles It's not what I asked for Sometimes life just slips in through a back door And carves out a person And makes you believe it's all true And now I've got you And you're not what I asked for If I'm honest I know I would give it all back For a chance to start over And rewrite an ending or two For the girl that I knew I was angry that I wasn't the girl that I wanted to be a year out. But why did I need to be mad at myself? Why? Then I thought, "Just because I am not the girl that I thought I 'should' be or be in a place that I thought I 'should' be in, it's okay. Because it is what it is; I can't control the future. This is something I definitely learned this year. What an accomplishment!" There really shouldn't be any "should's" in life (ironic that I used the word that I'm telling everyone not to use, right? Ha!). I should be married by this age. I should have a job with benefits by this time. I should stay out late every Saturday night because I'm single. Etc... But that word, those thoughts, halter me from being me. I'm not married by the age I am now, and that's okay. I don't have a job with benefits right now, but I'm making it work. I am staying in tonight (Saturday) because I want to. So I'm not the girl I wanted to be a year ago, but I'm much much more than I could have ever imagined. Another verse from Waitress: Who'll be reckless just enough Who'll get hurt but Who learns how to toughen up when she's bruised ... And then she'll get stuck and be scared Of the life that's inside her Growing stronger each day 'Til it finally reminds her To fight just a little To bring back the fire in her eyes That's been gone but it used to be mine
0 Comments
|
TidbitsAny thoughts, impressions and funny YSA Ward stories that happen along my path. Archives |