Let me tell you a story of Debbie and how a 4-minute interaction changed my life. Debbie runs a small holistic store in a flea market in Calgary, Alberta Canada, selling healing crystals, jewelry and other holistic items. Kyrie, a friend, and I went to visit our college friend, Amanda, in Canada on Spring Break. Best decision ever. This went on the list of the most fun weekends of my life! (I couldn't tell you who the photo cred was for all the photos. Most likely, my selfie stick). Well, one morning we ended up in this flea market. I don’t know what drew us there, but we ended up in this little store with healing stones, and incense, and jewelry. Amanda wanted to buy a healing stone and Kyrie found a ring she loved. Amanda approached the counter, where we first meet Debbie. Debbie asks Amanda if this stone bracelet was for her, in which Amanda replied, “Yes.” Debbie asked if she could pray over it. Amanda agreed and before we knew it Debbie was giving Amanda a reading, a psychic reading. Debbie was warning Amanda about potential car problems; that she needed to be careful in the coming weeks about her little blue car, which her parents had just bought. Okay. Interesting. Amanda promised she would be mindful of the car. This “reading” was all to our surprise. We had no idea that we would be “blessed” and read as we checked out our purchases. Amanda walked away a little stunned. Kyrie approached the counter and was asked the same question. Debbie blessed the ring and proceeded to say that Kyrie had just gotten out of a relationship (which she had) and her heart was in a good place (which Kyrie felt like she didn’t have any resentment or bitterness towards the guy). Debbie also said that if she meets a tall blonde man, that she needs to pay attention to him. Okayyyyyyyy Debbie. We are listening now! You tell one of us about our future including a boy, we are totes going to listen. We walked away in shock. What just happened? Are these things going to come true? How did she know all of this?? Just to preface, we were not taking everything she said as pure truth. It was fun to lean into her unsolicited, genuine advice. More of an experience than anything. And maybe there was something we could learn from her. Well, I didn’t want to go away empty-handed, I wanted a reading. So, long story short, I went back a third time to get my reading. I bought a bracelet that I have never worn, but the 10 Canadian dollars I spent on it was TOTALLY worth it. She first told me that I was emitting a red aura which meant I was harboring a lot of resentment and bitterness that I needed to let go of. She mentioned a way to get rid of that was to ground myself. Think about what it meant to ground myself and find ways to do it. She suggested a few healing stones and books to read to help me with that. In our parting conversation, she said me and my two friends had great energy. YES. We worked hard on that. ;) As I walked away, I couldn’t think of anyone that I felt bitterness towards. I wasn’t mad at anyone. All my relationships at that point in my life were looking pretty good. No hard feelings. Maybe Debbie wasn’t spot on with me (or any of my friends, for that matter). After a few minutes, it dawned on me. I was bitter. I was SO bitter. I was holding onto grudges of past boyfriends and the fiancé for breaking up with me. I blamed them for the current emotional state I was in (which was repairing, but not so great). I blamed them for everything that was wrong in my life. So maybe Debbie was right. Grounded. What did that mean to me? I am completely a visual learner so sometimes when trying to figure something out, pictures come to my mind. The image of myself popped up: feet being firmly planted in the ground, back straight, shoulders back, chin up. I was emitting confidence. As I have pondered that image more and more since that day, I desired to become that woman. I wanted to be confident in myself and in JUST myself. But how would I get to that point? I always thought that I needed to have a man in my life to be complete, to be completely happy, for people to look at me with respect, for myself to be worth anything. But that wasn’t true, was it? I had a tendency to ALWAYS be looking for someone to date. Which has ended up in a series of short-lived relationships. Nothing was ever super committed because I would jump head first into a relationship without much thought beforehand. Which meant, that I didn’t know if I was really interested in that person completely. The epitome of flightiness. Which led to holding grudges, feeling bitter to the men that had come into my life and left, or I chose to leave. (Yeah! You read that right. I would get bitter towards guys who I decided to leave. Backwards, right?!). I was insecure about being single. Ding, ding, ding!! I found the right answer here, people! I would become dependent on a man, and when it ended I would crash emotionally. This hindered my growth as a person. I needed to change. Later that day, I found a book about meditation. I thought, “Hey. This will probably help in my grounding.” So I bought it. Mind you, I haven’t finished an entire book since my sophomore year in college. Reading just isn’t that pleasurable to me anymore. But I bought a book with an intention to read it. Hopefully, it can help me change. This began my grounding experiment called “Alex’s Dating Sabbatical”. I had to change my mindset. I was angry about being single. I wasn’t able to accept the way my life was. I didn’t want to be that anymore. I needed to take a break from dating, or at least the pursuing of men. So, I created a set of rules/things I wanted to change.
This brought me a sense of peace about my Single-dom. This was hard for me to do. I hadn’t realized how much a priority dating was to me than when I tried to stop. (You know, like an addiction… Eek!) It was a process; every day was different. I had to keep in mind that I couldn’t be perfect at all these goals all at once. There were baby steps to take that would eventually lead me to the person I want to be. Every day I made a conscious decision to change. Consistency is hard for human beings, but once it is developed you can feel the change. Through meditation, yoga, praying, changing my priorities, sharing my problems and connecting with others, learning to accept Heavenly Father’s will and acting on faith, I found that peace. And what was that peace, you ask? Well here it is: I know that I am a Daughter of God. My Heavenly Father has a plan for me. I am a woman with many talents, endowed by my Father, that I can offer to a variety of different people. I need to use those talents in order to serve others because that is what my Heavenly Father wants of me. I love him, so I will be obedient. I am more focused on the positive aspects of myself. In the mediation book, I bought that day in Canada, “You Are Here” by Thich Naht Hanh, we are taught to accept the negative thoughts we have by not being violent to them. Let them come into your mind, acknowledge them, and push them out of your mind. Thoughts should be recognized that they are there, acknowledged that they may be what I am feeling, but understood that they need to be let go if toxic. Recognize, acknowledge and let go. The article “To My Friends Going Through a Quarter-Life Crisis”, uses the phrase “Self-Compassion” to explain this idea. The article teaches it much better than I could. “Over the past year I’ve become more conscious of the way I talk to myself and tried to counter my self-critical thoughts with cutting myself some slack and telling myself that no matter what I do or don’t do, I am worthy of love and belonging. God loves me not for my accomplishments but because I am His, and I can love myself because I am a child of God with infinite worth, even though I don’t have everything figured out…” …or that I don’t have a man in my life. ….or that I am not the type of person I want to be. …or that someone has hurt me and I feel bitter towards them. Try it. It works. This compassionate self-talk was the key to accepting who I was and where I was at that point in my life. Finally, I began to understand what faith was in a more holistic sense (No, not Debbie holistic… relating to or concerned with complete systems rather than with individual parts). Every day is a test of faith. Every thought and action is a test of faith. I began to ask myself questions like, “Am I going to believe in this negative thought about myself? Am I going to let myself be dominated by perceptions and unnecessary stereotypes? How am I going to show God today that I trust in His plan for me?” Don’t get me wrong, I am not perfect at this yet. But these questions helped to change my mindset. They helped to ground me into the confident woman that I imagined. I have changed my priorities in life. Yes, finding an eternal companion is important, and one of my goals, but it isn’t my first goal in life. Before my sabbatical, it was my first priority. I don’t have control over that, but I do have control on what type of person I am. You may be asking yourself right now why I called this “My Dating Not-So Sabbatical”. Here is why. When I wasn’t looking for a man, someone came into my life. He was a very kind, sweet, humble guy. We spent time together. He treated me like royalty. He got along with my family, made me laugh and helped me forget my insecurities. I also credit him for this change in myself. I know it seems backwards, to have a romantic interest during a “dating sabbatical”. But his presence in my life enabled me to be better. Even though we aren’t together anymore, he was imperative to my life journey. People come into your life when you need them the most. Whether or not, Debbie had the ability to “read” me, her advice helped me to change. It helped me recognize what I was lacking in my life. That day, that interaction was definitely a tender mercy. Listen carefully because, at any point, you don’t know if a 4-minute interaction with someone can change your life for the better. For the full article of the quote, go here: www.lds.org/blog/to-my-friends-going-through-a-quarter-life-crisis?lang=eng#prclt-ICd2ts50
1 Comment
8/28/2016 10:10:37 pm
I love your sense of humor as well as your wise words. Your posts give me something to think about and I appreciate that. So many hugs to you... :)
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