This post is not necessarily along the lines of looking as focusing on single vs married perspectives, but something that I have learned (I could have added “While being single” to the end of that sentence, but that would have been superfluous because I have always been single) (See? Mindsets are changing!).
Expectations are the belief that something, whether good or bad, is going to happen. We expect that our day is going to go the way we plan. We expect there to be the food in the fridge that we left there the night before. We expect those that we call friends will act and react in a certain way. It is easier to expect something when you feel you have control over it. Like inanimate objects, for example. I expect that the apple I placed on the shelf will be there tomorrow when I want to eat it. Apples do not have legs of their own just to walk off somewhere; You understand the parameters that apples can live in. But when it comes to people and relationships, that is a-whole-nother issue. People have agency. People can choose to react in ways that they feel is appropriate for themselves. We, maybe, expect a person to react in a way that we think they will react. But that is not always the case. People will always be unpredictable, no matter how much we know a person. Remember how I talked about how my 25th year was one for the books? Well, I’m going to delve into that year a little bit here. I started seeing this guy a couple of weeks after I had moved back to Rexburg from Cincinnati. I first saw this guy giving a talk at church, when I had the thought, “You are going to marry him.” I know this is cliché, but it really did happen to me. I didn’t believe it at first. And I was just being a silly girl, making up silly stories in in my head about an attractive guy. He was referred to as the “most eligible bachelor in all of Rexburg’”; there would be no way he would be interested in me. But a short time later, we started dating. I never felt so good about a person I was dating before. I felt the most spiritual when I was around him; he made me want to be better in so many aspects of my life. I knew at that time, that this was going to be it. He was who I was going to marry. I also had a couple of spiritual experiences that solidified those feelings. Well, as you can probably tell, we didn’t get married. We didn’t even end up dating that long. Although, I had very, very, very high expectations of that relationship. I expected us to get married. I expected us to grow closer together spiritually and emotionally. I knew this was supposed to work out. But it didn’t. When he broke things off, I came crashing down. So far down that I ended up in a therapist’s office with a case of depression, a couple of months after the break up. How did this happen? I KNEW we were supposed to get married! I knew that we were put in each other’s life for a reason. He was everything that I knew I wanted in a man. I didn’t understand how my spiritual promptings were not matching what was actually happening (I know some of you might be thinking “Oh you just got your infatuation in the way of the Spirit." Part of that may be true, but I had a lot of confirmations that this was going in the direction of marriage). I realized that I put too many expectations in this person and, as we know, are people are unpredictable. January 1, 2016 I had come to a head. I needed some advice, I needed to see how others dealt with this. I wrote this and posted on Facebook so see if I could get some feedback from my friends. I am constantly hounding my students to be vulnerable, so this is me. Being vulnerable. The start of a new year is so full of optimistic potential. At the beginning of 2015, I wanted it to be better than 2014. “This was going to be my year!” I told myself. I was going to accomplish every goal I set, I was going to kill it at every obstacle that came my way, I was going to be unstoppable. Well, that is not how things worked out. 2015 was not “my year”. I didn’t accomplish every goal, I probably only mediocrely rolled over my obstacles, and I was stopped dead in my tracks, several times. And it hurt, a lot. Don’t get me wrong, this year has been filled with so many wonderful moments and honestly, miracles. In reality, too many to list. I learned so much, was loved a lot, and was taught a lot. I am grateful for those moments. But what made the year hurt were expectations I had set. I expected certain things to happen; certain things to go the way I wanted. But that was not the case. No matter how much I want to believe that I could control my life and that I could fulfill all the expectations I had, I don’t have all the control. Other’s agency, and unforeseen consequences are just a few things that take away some of that control. The biggest reason I did not possess all the control was because my Heavenly Father was in control. He understands the plan for me. He is leading me and guiding me. And when I try to force my will over His will, it usually ends badly. I have hope in the trust I put in Him that everything will work out well in His timing. So here I am; stuck rumbling between deepening my trust in my Heavenly Father, learning how and where to set my expectations and letting go of the past. Everyone has their struggles and right now, these are mine. I’m posting this because I need new perspectives. How do you have trust? How do you let go of the past? What are expectations to you? What am I missing? Here’s to 2016. A year of new discoveries, healing and changing. I hope that it will be better, but right now I can’t guarantee that to myself. Although, what I can do is “plant the seed” of faith is in this advice from Elder McConkie: “…So I start where I am, and I go forward from there. I start using such talents as I have, and I begin to apply principles of eternal truth to my life. And I consult and counsel with the Lord in the process. And no matter where I am, the gospel takes me forward and onward and upward, and blessings flow to me that will ennoble and sanctify and improve me in this life and, eventually, give me glory, honor and dignity in the life to come.” See the below link for quote.
http://www.mormonchannel.org/watch/series/mormon-messages/new-years-look-not-behind-thee?cid=HP_MO_12-28-2015_dPFD_fMRMN_xLIDyL1-A_
2016 has been full of new discoveries, healing and changing. It has been a long, but successful eight months where I have learned, to a point, where to put my expectations in others. Just because I have promptings of something going a certain way, I know now, that a person can choose another way. That doesn’t make them a bad person. It doesn’t make them unrighteous. It makes them human and exercising their agency. This refers back to Elder Oaks “Good, Better, Best” talk. I might have been good for this man, but not the best. Maybe that was what the Spirit was telling me. Finding the faith and trust in your Heavenly Father to combine your will with his, and to actually act on it, is an amazing feat. That is where the “natural man” begins to fade and an eternal character is developed. Involving someone else’s will with your own and the Lord’s will is the real miracle. In essence, marriage is a miracle! Getting two people to come to the same conclusion and getting the approval of the Supreme Creator is, I am finding, hard to do. This is one of the main reasons why we come to this earth, to gain the trust in His eternal perspective. A talk that was very helpful in this situation is Elder Bednar “That We Might Not…Shrink”. ![]()
One of the most poignant comments that was made on that Facebook post was from my grad school adviser. She talked about how having kids was the best lesson in setting, or consequently enough, not setting expectations. A parent never knows how a child is going to react, if the nap was long enough that the child isn’t grumpy, if they are feeling cooperative today, etc. (I’m not a parent, but I get it). I started to look at friends and relationships that way. I care for this person, but the person is going to do what they want. A person might be grumpy. A person might have different priorities in their life. A person has their own set of expectations. So, all in all, the old saying “hope for the best, expect the worst” has kind of become my motto.
This does sound a little sad way to live life. I am more of an optimistic than anything and I love being an optimist! But a part of our growing pains is learning when to be a realist. Sometimes that hurts to let go of the happy, sunshine world that I want to live in. But it hurts more when you get disappointed. That’s where the problem lies in expectations: disappointment. If I can manage expectations, I can manage the pain from disappointment. There was a lot of thinking and pondering which lead to acceptance. Acceptance of the fact that things are not in my control but in the control of my Heavenly Father.
“Therefore, cheer up your hearts, and remember that ye are free to act for yourselves—to choose the way of everlasting death or the way of everlasting life.
Wherefore my beloved brethren, reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved. Wherefore, may God raise you from death by the power of the resurrection and also from everlasting death by the power of the atonement, that ye may be received into the eternal kingdom of God, that ye may praise him through grace divine.” 2 Nephi 10:23-25
People are always going to disappoint. But God won’t. His promises are perfect. That is where my full trust can reside. That is my foundation.
Now I’m not saying that I have created a ton of trust issues for myself. I still trust people; my tendency is to trust until proven untrustworthy. I feel that is a healthy place to be in. Although, I do make sure that I always have “Hope for the best, expect the worst” mindset. I am mindful that things can work out as I hope, but now I am more prepared to handle the disappointment. I am sure everyone has gone through this growing pain in one way or another. This was my way. I have come to the conclusion that I will have the faith to get married, or not get married. Because my trust lies in my Heavenly Father and that his promises will be kept.
1 Comment
8/14/2016 11:43:54 pm
This article was so honest and vulnerable and beautiful. Oh, Alex, you are amazing! Do you know that I barely came to understand some of those lessons just in the past few years?! And for you to do it at the age you are at...just shows that you are wise beyond your years.
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